5 Changes You Face as a New Father

Here's a scenario that may sound familiar either presently or in the future. You walk in the door after a long, grueling day. The buffer between you and what awaits you at home is only mild traffic, at best, some last-minute phone calls made from your car, and possibly even a stop at the grocery store for those one or two requested items. Your end game is the time you will finally get to spend in the bathroom.

By contrast, your partner's greeting is "Here!" while moving into the shower and handing you a runny nose attached to the toddler to which she gave birth with your consent and contribution. You remain calm and collected, happy to see the excited-to-see-you face you so adore. Yes, you would have preferred to proceed directly to the bathroom, but you know the drill.

Ah, she's out of the shower, and it's your turn. Your toddler is now generously distributing toys in various corners of the house when you hear it again: "Here!" At which point you feel a soggy diaper in your hand, again, attached to a baby that is legally and possibly even biologically yours.

There are several losses a man experiences once his partner has given birth. The first is his partner, and she transforms into an upgraded version of herself which is not entirely in your favor. Her focus shifts slightly. Or, to be truthful, entirely.

The second loss is that post-work wind-down time. Those moments where you sit down and tune everything out, and with no consequence. You feel your home is your castle of which you are the king, and your queen is happy to indulge you in a reasonable amount of "Please-don't-make-me-listen-to anything-yet" time. This pleasure now falls into the erotic fantasy category.

The third is the loss of anyone at home who puts your wellbeing first. And as some already know, attempting to increase the odds of that by having three or four kids is not necessarily an effective strategy to that end.

The fourth, which you may experience more acutely once you have more than one, is, of course, the loss of quiet bathroom time. Whether it be your toddler knocking at the door and asking to come in, the sound of your baby crying, or a blasting game on some screen, your bathroom, your former refuge, is no longer the haven it used to be.

There are many more real losses you face, such as, for instance, those chill-out weekends of lying in bed all day or going for a hike on your own or with your partner, or with other humans with reasonably sized legs that can carry themselves at a reasonable pace.

But here's what’s out there looking forward. One way or another, for better or for worse, this period will end. The majority of small dependent kids grow into big less-dependent kids, who will, eventually, be happy not to have you or your partner anywhere near them. And in the meantime, slowly but surely, you and your partner can figure out creative ways to restore some of the calm space you previously enjoyed. Your relationship with each other does and will determine, to an incredibly large extent, the quality of your life. If you’re a married-with-children couple struggling to continue feeling connected and supported in the ways you had hoped for, there are ways to weather this long storm. I’m not an objective source, but will nonetheless allow myself to urge you to put thought, effort and resources into reuniting with, and holding a wide open-armed space for, the greatness that you both predicted and created not too long ago.