What Makes Teens Happy?
I like to think I know something about teens. And one thing I think I know is that you can give them an allowance of a hundred dollars per minute, and you still may not bear witness to any feelings of happiness, much less… wait for it (because you will have to, and for a long time)…gratitude. It’s one of the reasons we place or hang photos of their former super lovable selves all over our living and work spaces and in our phone gallery.
What is it that makes your teens happy (even if they don't show it)? And is that the real question?
Happiness is a tall order where teens are concerned, and all we can do is our part, as there is so much that seems to be out of our hands.
It may be comforting to know that teens don't necessarily want to feel "happy."
As Christine Carter, Ph.D., an expert on adolescence, writes in her article Three Surprising Truths About Teens (Carter, 2013), some kids would prefer to feel disgusted rather than happy. Others may prefer frantic excitement. Many teens may simply want to experience the intensity of every emotion they are feeling at any given moment.
If our teen has chosen to share with us a current event of a personal nature, there's a chance he or she is likely not looking to feel anything other than what he or she is feeling in that moment, and may welcome the opportunity to feel exactly that, at an even higher intensity. And with the benefit and safety of our "aroundness."
What may bring about an emotion adjacent to happiness, on the rare occasion we can pull it off, is saying as little as possible. And, at the same time, listening hard.
The key in this counter-intuitive indulgence is to give zero advice. Because, as you well know, teens already know everything. Every. Thing. And there is not one single thing we can, heaven forbid, teach them about life. After all, we just don't get it. We weren't there... we were never young... life and humanity have drastically changed since the turn of the century.
If you begin to feel the natural urge to slip in a well-meaning, unwanted "Another thing that might work is... " see if you can predict how your sentence will land. Suppose you need to use masking tape to cover your mouth; that's ok. Your teenager probably won't notice . Listening with no judgment and no (unsolicited) advice can go a long way in potentially staying a part of your teens inner loop. You may want to consult with your doctor before you try this exercise.
P.S. The above is a reminder that I wrote to myself as my girls were so-called transitioning into older teens. There are obviously times I still feel my children would highly benefit from my input in which case I ask if they are intersted in hearing my thoughts. That seems to work sometimes. Other times they make clear that's not what would be most helpful. I use the masking tape imagery when I need it, and it's perfect because it can be wripped off any time.