The Function of Sex
From your own knowledge and experience, is it fair to say that there’s probably not a couple on this earth for whom sexuality is in 100% alignment?
It doesn’t seem to be technically possible, although there are certainly couples who allign to a very satisfying degree.
For those who don’t, life can be terrifying at times - both for the partner whose needs are regularly and continuously not being met and for the partner who is left to feel he or she is disappointing.
It’s hard not to be aware of the existential importance of sexuality. The fact that we technically exist because of sex, of one form or another, should be a clue for us to rank it as a force beyond our comprehension, and it's importance as probably fundamental until further notice. Who knows where we are on the evolutionary continuum? I certainly don’t.
True, there is a way to come into being without two people performing a sexual act. However, in the current era, for the majority of the population, at least one person did,
With that as a baseline, let’s assume that sex remains a driving force in many lives at this point in our evolutionary development. As our emotional needs play a larger and larger roll in human sexuality, and to varying degrees, sex is not a one-size-fits-all concept. (Yeah, a pun.) For some, it’s a minor point of interest best saved for reproductive needs, holidays or leap year. For others, it’s a priority that enhances quality of life, emotional intimacy and connection, and overall wellbeing.
I’m not sure this is going to work as parallel, but food is another technical reason we exist, and it’s part of how we remain alive. For some, the quality of food matters a great deal while it matters much less to others. However, if you are one of those for whom a good meal qualifies as essential, the quality of your life will suffer a substantial downgrade in the absence of access to the nutrition or cuisine you find life-enhancing. As a result, people could start to label you as cranky or unhappy. That’s because it’ll be the truth. That's the best I can do by way of an analogy.
If you’re currently in a relationship, does sexual connection and intimacy matter very much to one of you? If so, it matters very much to the other, one way or another.
If you and your partner share children, and have many fabulous reasons to build an even healthier relationship, I urge you to find the resources to keep you communicative and connected. To strive for a partnership that leaves room for you both to acknowlege what is absent, alongside celebrating the ways in which your connection is solid.
One common goal I feel we all share is protecting our children (if we have or want to have any) from experiencing us as living life in “resentful” mode.
Not a single child remains unaffected by the quality of their parents' relationship.
If one or both of you feel unsatisfied and you can't communicate openly on the topic, think HELP. Think Resources. There are podcasts that you can listen to, together or alone. There are people you can contact. Do a thing. Long-term neglect will provide you (and in ways you can't imagine, your children) with the imaginable and unimaginable consequences of, well, long term neglect.
Honor the importance of sex and sexuality. After all, it’s how we got here. There is no argument that sexual connection or compatibility matters to couples, and it is a critical factor in the quality of nearly all relationships.
If the desire isn't there, for one or both of you, try and discover why. The answer to what may be blocking desire may be simple or complicated but but is rarely a complete mystery.
Give yourself a head start by keeping your sense of humor.
Cheers to increased oxytocin and dopamine release, and to further contributing to our overall good health!