Meltdown Management
You may fall into the category of calm parents that happened to give birth to very energetic or temperamental kids. These specific little folks may have a harder time than others calming down during life moments that don't go their way.
And some of us, ourselves, have a harder time maintaining our calm center when the yuck hits the fan. Yet, naturally, all of us want (if not expect) our kids to know or learn how to self-regulate. How to keep from exploding when faced with disappointment or a setback. How not to have a public or private meltdown.
Beyond teaching them to blow their own noses and tie their own shoes, how can we broaden the skill-set of these shorter-legged people living under our roof?
If we cannot hold our temper very well then chances are it may remain an ongoing challenge for our kids. Modeling is pervasive to a disturbing degree ;)
Start with you. What are some of the tools you use to maintain your own sense of balance? (i.e. How do you maintain your "indoor voice"?) Which of these self regulation hacks can you organically or deliberately pass on to those of your children who are below the legal drinking age?
The variety of self-regulation tools that can help chidren is endless, yet entirely individual. Tapping into as many as possible will help to find the best fit for us and for our children. And by modelling what works best for us when the opportunity arises, our kids are getting a head start. If you’re familiar with the sound and look of that big inhale-exhale sigh, the one that indicates there are some big feelings going on underneath, that’s an example of an organic tool. It can communicate both inwardly and outwardly that we’re experiencing a strong feeling, and that we’re trying to manage it until we can figure out how to communicate it or what to do about it. Deep breaths are a good start to just about everything, it seems.
The message that’s bound to help our offspring develop into lovable and loving bigger humans is that it’s absolutely natural and beyond okay (if not existentially essential) to have big feelings. And that there are ways in which to give those feelings space. And that finding alternatives to yelling and kicking and screaming will eventually come in handy as we encounter other humans that do not love you as much as mommy and daddy do. Sorry, kiddos. Even we are struggling not to leave you behind and take off to Thailand for a month.
Secondly, and equally as important as modeling, the habit of helping our children through their meltdowns is life-changing for all involved. Make it a habit of being the narrator of your child’s big feelings in real time, especially during a meltdown - when they’re struggling to pinpoint what’s going on inside. What are the lyrics to their tantrum? Say them out loud so that step one - feeling seen, heard and understood, is underway. “You really want that {insert name of sugary treat or useless item, or toy that’s in a sibling’s hand}. You’re really sad you can’t have it and you’re really mad at me/him/her. I understand” If you’re lucky enough to be able to offer physical comfort, in addition, during these moments, the episode will likely be even shorter-lived.
It’s counter-intuitive at times. Ignoring or downplaying these moments can feel like the right way to ensure they happen less in the future. It’s definitely a solid tool for us to use, on some kids, and to an extent, or at least to try on, on occasion. However, if that becomes our singular go-to reaction, what it does simultaneously is signal to our small little beings that their feelings are either “wrong” (which is impossible) or don’t matter. (Yikes.)
These small and random moments are the exact times and events around which small children have big feelings. Not getting exactly what they want, crave, need, whether it be a toy, a block of sugar or our aroundness for one more bedtime story, this is their Big stuff. They have no concept of how fortunate they are to have a roof over their head, running water and and, possibly, a mother and father who still love each other.
And the short-term solution of giving in or trying to negotiate with a sibling on their behalf is obviously not beneficial for the long run, but we do it when we’ve run out of time or patience or both - a scenario we can’t always control. It’s equally important to give our own selves some legitimacy and leeway to be firefighter parents on occasion. To make it go away quickly so we can all live to see another day ;)
The next step, once a child is old enough to hold a short conversation, can be planning ahead through a conversation of brainstorming together. What might each of you find helpful when you're feeling you're losing the ability to control your responses? What is definitely *not* helpful for each of you? And how patient can we be with ourselves and each other when nothing seems to work (yet)? We don’t need to wait for the crisis to (re)occur in order to start talking about ways to manage our big feelings.
When you do find yourself in a real-time situation with your child, listen to your inner pilot. In the event of a meltdown, your so-called oxygen mask (i.e. your narrative abilities) may come through for you. Grab on and patiently let your child understand that you get it. Afterall, you actually do.