Response Ability

Note to self and others on taking responsibility for our children's response-ability.

Firstly a little reminder, because I love and need many. As we respond to our children and to everything else, they are watching, internalizing, and storing all of the response options we're providing.

Noting that we are active and essential contributors to our children's emotional and behavioral archives every day may help us make a few less cringy choices.

We were once in their place, so we pretty much know the short version: we were born and raised by people (or a person), and although we swore we wouldn't, we may have turned into a version of one of them. Or at the very least we can detect parts of our parent/s in us, both the comforting and the concerning, that seem to have come into being unintentionally.

So, bearing that in mind as we go about our day highlights in bright yellow that how we are "being" matters. How we go about our day reacting to the inherent challenges, how we try to maintain our so-called calm center, how we interact. What response abilities and options are we modeling as we go about our day or evening? If we're responding to our kids and to others (in front of our kids) in a way that we would not allow them to respond to us or to others, let's refer back to the above paragraph to remind us of the Mini Me phenomenon.

How Do We Be?

At some point in the 14th-century, people started the exciting habit of asking one another, "How do you do?" which began as an upper-class greeting meant to convey interest in someone's well-being in terms of their prosperity and life in general. And much like today between aquaintences, no one expected a detailed answer.

Many of us care less about how someone is prospering or thriving and more about if they're able to do so while being thoughtful, respectful, and kind.

Here’s where we enter the equation. One of our jobs is to ensure our children hold space in the hearts of those they encounter in their lives and that they have the tools to be both loving and lovable.

Often we're interested in a person, in an ongoing way, based on how they treat other people and us. At which point we then tend to care about their well-being. We're all trying to develop, in our children, their reactive tools partly because we care about their future connections. We're doing our best to raise wonderful humans that will be loved, respected and cherished by other humans that are not us.

Plus, we're hands-on contributing to a better, kinder society. As we're becoming Even more aware of how our parenting is a huge factor in our children's future emotional wellbeing, and how other people's parenting can indirectly have an adverse effect on our own children's emotional wellbeing, it feels good to know we're sending one more emotionally fit human being out into the world to do good in their surroundings. And that she or he or they will effortlessly attract like-hearted individuals.

Today, we ask people how they "are" or how they are "doing," which can refer to anything from prosperity to how they are feeling - emotionally and health-wise. Often, however, it means that we don't know what to ask, specifically, or that we're not interested in getting a detailed answer. Fair enough.

So how about starting an upper-level habit of being curious about how we are all "being"? How are we behaving? How are we "being" - to those around us and ourselves?

So... What stops us from exploding when we get distraught? How are we handling our emotional, financial, health, and relational challenges? How are we ensuring that we don't pass our traumas to our loved ones? How are we taking care of ourselves, so we remain kind to the people around us? How are we "being" to the people around us, big and small, as our inner struggles, that are ours alone, tug at us? How are we managing to model the response options we want our children to adopt? Can we do better, and do we need help?

Although it might produce some fascinating results, I'm not suggesting this as a necessary conversation point between strangers. I do think it would be wonderful if more and more of us could open up in person and feel comfortable admitting the need for, at the very least, a brainstorming session on how to go about "being." On how to "be" better. It would be a great way to make conversations meaningful and valuable and contribute to substantial (emotional) environmental change. Wouldn't it be exciting to be able to ask random people how they go about not yelling at their kids? What works for them? (Is it a glass of wine at some point? Is it as simple as remembering to switch on the air conditioning or heat? Is it looking at their children's baby pics? Is it a meditation, nutrition or exercise routine? Is it medication? Is it simply their amazing personality and overall calm?)

In the meantime, however, as I hold my breath for this eventuality, we're fortunate enough to have so many resources we can turn to to feel supported and become more knowledgeable, from podcasts to literature to professional help. So, from this second on, let's pay even closer attention to how we "be". Let's catch ourselves when we mess up (get nasty) and grow our response-ability into something we're even more proud to be modeling and passing on.